It is because of amazingly tedious posts like this. You disagree with some or all of Brooke’s comments, and she has an unerring capacity to make you reach forward, and concentrate all of your cognitive capabilities on hitting the back button. Few writers have this ability to bore, yet inspire such ass-kissing. Andrew Sullivan is not at all web-savvy, but for sheer strident inanity I’m really beginning to think that he just doesn’t hold a candle to our vapidly dogmatic friend.

We’ll probably never meet. But if we do, drinks, needless to say, are on my good buddy Hef. You’ve got to be more impressive in person than you are on your web page, and I’ll get really trashed and slur your name and hit on the Playmates, which should be fun to watch.

Sycophancy this. Make sure you read the comments.

Popularity: 1% [?]

If you go over to Dawn’s new poll (scroll halfway down, it’s on the right) and vote for her to fantasize sexually about a guy, rather than the sweat flavored gummi, your red-blooded male het card is now invalid.

If you vote for yourself then you should have your Miranda rights abrogated and be tried for narcissism by a secret military tribunal.

If you vote for me then you are the kind of person that writes love letters to felony inmates.

If you don’t vote at all, what the hell are you doing reading this? Aren’t you missing Wednesday Mass?

Dude! Hot girl-on-gummi action! Get votin’!

Popularity: 1% [?]

You’ve probably heard that PriceWaterhouseCoopers is changing its name to Monday. Yes, that’s right, the crappiest day of the week. I learned this via NZ Bear (who, by the way, like InstaPundit, knows more about fire conditions in my own state than I do). I suppose that a consulting firm can’t name themselves Two-dollar Tuesday (You-Call-It), but do the vice-presidents and CFOs that hire consultants really have a rosier view of Monday than the rest of us pukes? Perhaps they do. They had to become executives for some reason.

This name change was brought on by the rapidly accelerating trend of auditing businesses spinning-off their consulting divisions into new firms. Immediately after Enron spizzled everyone was up in arms. We need SEC reforms! …Congressional hearings! …the secession of Texas from the Union!* But it turns out all we’ll get is a bunch of consulting firms with names that scream, “We save all our decent consulting for you! Hire us!”

First up was Arthur Anderson, which split off Accenture, a name, even if it is lame, that has two advantages over the new PWC: it’s meaningless, and at least implies something not altogether negative. Next up is KPMG Consulting, which has until 2004 to shed the KPMG. Perhaps they can pick a better name than Monday, one with less negative connotations. Like Taliban, Difficult Childbirth, or Letter Burning Forest Ranger Wack-job.

I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, if only because their web page works in Mozilla, while their parent company’s page looks like crap. I’m guessing they’ll rename themselves Chomsky.

*That was probably just me.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Rebecca, I hope you are ok. I’m not sure what else to say… I didn’t know you meant your subtitle so literally.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Are women attracted to limping men? Evidently some men are attracted to amputees, so why not? Why else would men wrestle?

New addition to the list of TBOTCOTW’s annoying tics: overuse of the question mark. Especially in post titles.

Well, ok, so that kind of wrestling probably isn’t meant for the ladies. But a certain muscle freak that I know seems to think that throwing the geek in the pool during said meathead’s birthday party is loads of sexy fun. But this geek fights back! I don’t fight back very effectively, mind you. Unless sacrificing your ankle to save your cell phone is considered effective. Plus, I later got drunk enough to jump off the deck into the pool, anyway, but at least I emptied my pockets.

Back to the point. If swollen joints or limping turns you on, they are (temporarily) some of my better attributes.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Someone at Slate should be reading Jim Treacher. They still haven’t corrected this story on Crank Yankers.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Perhaps all this Olsen-on-Olsen fighting would be averted if Eric takes his turn. Look around that site, they are doing some great things at the Dwayne Medical Center!

Popularity: 1% [?]

I love watching couples fight in public! And this fight, between the Osbournes of blog, was a doozy. Eric browbeats all asshole-leaning future fathers. Dawn responds, “Hey, take a good look at that plank in your own eye, bub!” Eric explains himself, quite convincingly. Has Mr. Olsen ever considered politics?

Make-up sex in the Olsen house tonight? I’ll take that bet!

Update: a. beam has exactly the opposite thought.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Got an interesting email from Chris Butzke. Chris is one half of a totally cool band, The Catch, and is also my beloved sister’s boyfriend. Here’s a picture of them taken during their recent trip to the coolest city in the world, and I don’t care what some salsa maker thinks about my saying that.

Matt,

I’d like to take this opportunity to formally
introduce myself, I am Chris Butzke, boyfriend of your
sister Karen, and reader of your blog. I would also
like to thank you for your mention of our mp3.com page
a few weeks ago. Hope all is going well for you in
Colorado, believe me life is as boring as usual back
here in Raleigh. Keep up the good work and I will
keep on reading…maybe one day we’ll make your link
list. Until next time.

Later,
Chris

This is so much better than the method used to meet Karen’s previous boyfriends! Those getting-to-know-you sessions always occured, quite awkwardly, in some Triangle-area restaurant (top choices: Dos Taquitos and 518 West). Me, my parents, Karen, and some loser that pretended to have job prospects or a knowledge of Chilean Merlots. Ughhhh.

By the way, if these two get married, don’t you think they should hyphenate their names? Moore-Butzky has a nice ring to it.

Popularity: 1% [?]

I got an email from Robyn, aka IRok4God, a few days ago.

Do u live in Whitney,Texas? You sound like this guy that i know from Whitney…please eMail me back and lemi know. Thanks a bunches

RObyn

Jesus Loves Ya… and so do I!

Love you too, Robyn, but who is this Jesus guy? Make mine Jebus!

No, Robyn, I’m not from Whitney. I’ve never even heard of Whitney! Please note that I’m also none of the following:

I’m not a policy analyst at the National Center for Policy Analysis. But if I worked for the NCPA I’m sure I would be a policy analyst, because that’s what they do!

I do not have a Mandy Moore fanpage or picture gallery. Nor am I related to Mandy Moore. My sister Karen, though, has much in common with Mandy: she is quite lovely, and also can’t sing!

I’m not currently devouring the UCLA playbook (why would I want to, for the fiber?), but I am partial to Mom’s cuisine.

I was not born in Elkhart, Indiana, and I’m certainly never going to be the president-elect of anything.

I’m not a member of the Open Door Foundation. I am, however, supportive of open doors in general. Unless they are fire doors. Then they should remain closed.

Idea of googling yourself and then writing about the other suckers with your name was stolen, without permission, from Owen Rodgers. Apparently also stolen from Tony Pierce.

Popularity: 1% [?]